Do you all recall that classic scene from 10 Things I Hate About You when Julia Stiles’ character proceeds to tell Heath Ledger (and her entire class) that though she claims she hates him she is actually genuinely in love with him? That scene only begins to encompass my feelings on celery. I am an avid hater of that horrible green stalk from the depths of Hell. It’s flavor – trash, it’s texture – trash, even it’s coloring – trash. In fact, I would be completely alright with celery being wiped from the face of the earth and every history book, but especially every recipe.
Another excerpt comes to mind from The Mighty B! (an excellent show that I would highly recommend but this is a food blog not a tv review), in which Bessie, the main character, rids the entire west coast of Zucchini (undeserving of this treatment as it is delicious and texturally pleasing, but that is a thought for another time). I was always jealous of Bessie’s cartoon abilities from that episode because if I could rid the East Coast, and preferably the world, of celery I would do it. In. A. Heartbeat. There is no vegetable I have encountered that I dislike as greatly as celery, and I would genuinely love to hate a food more than celery, but we can’t always get what we want right?
My hatred of celery is not completely unfounded though. First and foremost, I genuinely find its flavor disgusting. Just like some people believe cilantro tastes like laundry soap (looking at you Ina Garten) I find the taste of celery to most closely resemble Irish Springs and black licorice. Texturally it is horrid, a terrible mixture of floss and crisp apple flesh with none of the payoff of either. Nutritionally, it takes more energy to digest celery than it provides you with and it therefore, for me, is absolutely pointless (I realize this is a plus for dieters but to me it just means surviving on celery would slowly strip you of all of your energy, it is a parasite).
Alas, as much as I love to hate celery it is the cornerstone, the Holy Ghost of the Holy Trifecta, the Michelle of Destiny’s Child (always hated on but incredibly necessary). This is because Mireproix, the French name for the flavor base that is one of the most well-known and widely used bases for savory dishes the world over, is made of onions, carrots, and celery; not only allowing but forcing celery onto the mainstage and making it a worthwhile crop.I can sum up my feelings on celery as follows: celery is what happens when a boy band (or band of any sort) breaks up and the solo artist falls flat. You will always hate it for destroying the band and not maintaining a worthwhile solo career, but when that old band music comes on you can’t help but sing along.
I still hate celery though.
Muva Piglette 